Why We MUST Start Talking About Death, According To Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider

On my podcast, we’ve spoken a lot about design: category, marketing, product.

But there’s another type of design I had never thought about before:

Designing your own death.

If you’re going to design a legendary life, part of that is designing a legendary death. See, even though every single one of us will leave this Earth, most people have a difficult time thinking about our own mortality. And this reluctance to discuss our end-of-life wishes causes us, and our families, unnecessary suffering in our final days.

A lot of families fail at this, and don’t come together and “complete” the end of someone’s life. Instead, so many people shy away from the process. When someone is dying, they don’t know what to do — and as soon as they’re confronted by emotion, they cower from it.

But we should want to be people who stand up, and who show up, when the people who matter to us in our lives are passing on.

I just had an incredible conversation with Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider, a physician and palliative care advocate, about why we need to get better at planning for the end of our lives.

At only 38 years old, Dr. Ungerleider is making waves in the medical community and beyond. Using modern media, she’s bringing the conversation about expiration into our everyday life. She gives speeches, leverages social networks, and even founded a symposium to spark these difficult dialogues.

And her message couldn’t come soon enough. Every day, 10,000 baby boomers turn 65, and an aging population means we need every tool we can get our hands on to gracefully deal with our family and friends who will pass away in the coming years.

Here’s why we need to change how we deal with the grave, before it’s too late.

Change society’s conversation around death.

As a culture, we don’t talk about our demise.

Dr. Shoshana believes a lot of people shelter their children from this natural part of the human experience due to discomfort, fear, or prior traumatic experiences surrounding end of life.

But passing on is inevitable, and we shouldn’t shy away from it.

I think back on how fortunate I was as a teenager, when my dad told me, straight up, my grandfather was nearing his departure. He told me, “If there’s anything you want to say to your grandpa, you should say it now.”

Because my father was so direct, I got to spend valuable time with my grandfather towards the end of his life.

It’s important to contextualize death within the fabric of our lives. After all, we’re the only creature on Earth that actually knows we’re going to die, and we need to get comfortable talking to our loved ones about it.

Reconsider the medical community’s approach to death.

Although they deal with disease and demise on a daily basis, the medical community isn’t well-equipped to talk about dying either.

According to a survey done by the Journal of the American Medical Association, 70% of doctors said they haven’t been trained on how to have difficult conversations with patients and family members.

But this training really should be standard for all healthcare practitioners.

In her first year of residency, Dr. Ungerleider spent months doing rotations in the ICU. She was surprised that for all the aggressive, invasive treatments the doctors were ordering, no one was looking at the bigger picture: does the patient understand their prognosis? Does the doctor have a plan if a patient stops responding to medical interventions?

Dr. Shoshana says it’s common for doctors to lack this foresight and neglect taking the time to engage with patients and their families.

I saw this firsthand when my grandmother was approaching her finale and needed hip surgery. I remember asking the doctor questions, but he wasn’t giving me anything. I felt like a cop interrogating a timid informant until I finally asked the doctor, “Is there anything else we should know?”

The doctor blurted out, “Yes. There’s a 70% chance your grandma will die during the operation.”

I felt like someone punched me in the chest.

I share this because I just couldn’t quite comprehend the bedside manner (or lack thereof) of this physician. Patients and families deserve better.

Besides more training, we need to encourage healthcare professionals to talk about the eventual exit. Doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals have higher rates of burnout, depression, and suicide. Shoshana correlates this to their proximity to death on a daily basis. They need an outlet to process their feelings about the suffering they witness.

After all, we need our healthcare professionals to be as healthy as possible so they can take care of everyone else.

Start talking about death with the people you love.

Every patient is different, and there isn’t one right way to die.

Dr. Ungerleider’s goal is to give people options so they can have an end of life experience that’s in line with their goals and values.

To begin thinking about your mortality, take the time to quietly reflect on how you envision your final days. Then, share your thoughts with your loved ones, and get your wishes down in writing. Shoshana highly encourages everyone to make a will, write an advance directive, and assign a healthcare proxy.

And to revisit those documents every five to 10 years, or whenever your health or family circumstances change.

Death is a part of life, and the more that we can engage in conversations about our shared mortality, the better our lives will be.

Click here to listen to the full episode of this legendary podcast.